Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

BOLLYWOOD CAN HELP YOU BE BOLLYGOOD

As president and founder of Bollywood Products Inc., I'd
like to welcome you all to our first directors meeting. I
started this company to take advantage of the Bollywood
brand, the Bollywood name. It's a name that's known
throughout the world, a name that's so popular, even
Hollywood derived its name from it. Our new history books
are clear about this: First came Bollywood, then Hollywood,
then Lollywood.

Many people associate Bollywood with Bombay, the famous city
that changed its name to Mumbai in order to be far less
famous. But we at Bollywood Products Inc. will change
people's perceptions with our new slogan:
"Bollywood -- The 'B' stands for Beautiful."

So without further ado, I'd like to unveil our initial slate
of products, along with the advertising pitch that will
convince billions of people to buy them:

---BollyFood: "If you've always wanted to eat what your
favorite stars eat, then you need to try BollyFood. The
BollyFood label includes Bipasha's Burfi, Karishma's Khorma,
and Salman's Salmon. Just one bite and you'll understand why
Shahrukh never stops smiling and how he has enough energy,
even early in the morning, to sign lots of autographs."

---BollyHood: "Whether you're an experienced thug or just
trying to look tough, you're sure to improve your image with
the BollyHood brand of guns, knives and masks. Made in India
by the best craftsmen, these high-quality products have all
been tested by Salman Khan. All our guns come with a special
money-back guarantee: Buy one of them, take it to your local
bank and get your money back. It's as easy as that."

---BollyGood: "If you want to appear wholesome and innocent,
then do what Aishwarya Rai does: hypnotize yourself with our
special BollyGood tapes. Listen to them in your car every
morning, reciting phrases such as 'I do not have a
boyfriend,' 'I have never kissed anyone,' and 'In my
previous life, I must have been a nun.' Our BollyGood tapes
have been used by many actresses and are so effective,
every one of them is a virgin -- or about to become one."

---BollyTude: "Shahrukh Khan isn't the best-looking actor in
Bollywood, yet he gets more hearts to palpitate than a
cardiologist. How does he do it? By spraying himself each
morning with BollyTude. It's not just a cologne, it's a
confidence-booster. It gives Shahrukh just the right
attitude to arouse millions of women -- and a few men, too.
For only 2,500 rupees, you too can have BollyTude, and for
another 1,000 rupees, we'll send you a FREE copy of
Shahrukh's book, 'How BollyTude made me BollyRich.'"

---BollyMood: "If your wife doesn't have the patience to sit
through a three-hour movie or your husband has trouble
believing the storylines, just give them a puff from our
special bidis and get them in the BollyMood. The smoke will
help clear their minds, causing them to rave about Bollywood
movies from dawn to dusk. They will compare Indian movies to
the very best of Hollywood and demand an official inquiry
into why 'Devdas' didn't win a dozen Oscars."

---BollyBrew: "If you're tired of ordinary beers, take a sip
of BollyBrew. It's the only beer that Salman Khan drinks,
the only beer he turns to when he wants to expand his rap
sheet. The BollyBrew label includes Madhuri's Malt Liquor,
Dimple's Draft, and Ash's Ale. Drink a few bottles and
you'll find yourself singing and dancing like your favorite
stars, right there in the middle of the street."

Send this column to a friend

                                             Don't forget to visit Melvin's funny blog!