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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

BURNING UP ABOUT COLD WEATHER

If you live in a part of the world that's warm all year,
that never gets snow and ice, that allows you to wear shorts
and sandals whenever you please, there's something I'd like
to say to you: I hate you.

Well, perhaps 'hate' is too strong a word. How about
'despise'? Yes, that's more like it. That captures exactly
how I feel about you at this moment, in the dead of winter,
when there's tons of snow outside my home and I can't even
visit the mailbox without having to spend the next three
hours defrosting my brain. But I really shouldn't complain:
It used to take much longer -- before I owned a microwave.

From November to March every year, I can't help envying
people who are blessed with tropical weather, people who are
like my neighbor's cat -- always in heat. Unlike me, these
lucky people never have to scrape snow and ice off their
windshields, off their driveways, off their mustaches.

Every winter, I can't help asking a question that
environmentalists, for some strange reason, don't like to
hear: Is there any way to speed up global warming?

I realize it's supposed to be bad for us, but what could be
worse, scientifically speaking, than freezing our butts off?
Please don't tell me about the importance of the ozone
layer -- the only layer I'm concerned with right now is the
layer of ice on my nose.

In case you're wondering exactly how cold it is, let's ask a
few people in the northern cities of America.

Cleveland man, age 70: "It's so cold that when I woke up
this morning, I couldn't get my teeth to stop chattering. It
was such a struggle, believe me, to put them in my mouth."

Chicago woman, age 56: "It's so cold that my pipes froze.
Not just my windpipe, but also my tailpipe."

Detroit man, 28: "It's so cold that I actually feel like
listening to Rush Limbaugh. That's how desperate I am for
some hot air."

New York man, age 43: "It's so cold that I found a burglar
stuck to my front window. It turns out that my neighbor had
spotted the burglar, pulled out a gun, and said, 'Freeze!'
And he did!"

I've lived in America more than two decades, yet I still
haven't gotten used to winter. But thankfully, I'm trying to
evolve. Over the last few years, I've grown a mustache, a
beard and a protective layer of blubber. The next step is to
grow some hair on my back. After that, I'm going to learn
how to hibernate. (If you happen to see a bear walking
around, please don't shoot. It might be me.)

Why, you may ask, did I end up living in the northern part
of America, when I could be sunbathing daily on a Florida
beach, showing off my natural tan? Well, I was deceived,
duped, fooled. I came to America for college, not realizing
that the Pennsylvania college that accepted me had failed to
adequately warn me about winter. All they needed to say was:
"Before coming here, please try to introduce yourself to our
weather by spending a few days with your head in the
freezer. That's how it feels over here, but only when the
sun is out. At other times, it's so cold, the only thing
that doesn't get frozen is our tuition fee."

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