STILL FIGURING OUT WHAT WOMEN WANT
Throughout history, men have been trying to impress women,
and throughout history, men have failed miserably. It began
with Oongah the caveman, who thought he could impress the
cavewomen by hunting mammoths and other large animals. After
each hunting trip, he would return home with various tusk
injuries, mostly to his buttocks, and show them off to all
the cave dwellers, saying, "See! Me real man!"
The cavewomen would giggle, then cast their eyes on Dongah,
who had set himself apart from the other cavemen by doing
something that seemed rather gentlemanly in those days:
going outside to pee. What everyone didn't realize was that
Dongah was going farther and farther away from the cave.
Like generations of men to follow, he was marking his
territory. Soon he controlled a vast expanse of land, which
he showed off to all the cave dwellers, saying,
"See! Me real estate man!"
At first, the cavewomen were impressed with Dongah's
property, which included many caves, trees and rocks. But it
didn't take long for them to realize that he couldn't give
them what they really desired: credit cards.
When it came to inventing things, Dongah was out of his
element, overshadowed by a caveman named Hongah, widely
considered the greatest inventor of his time, having created
what he called the "female-impressing raging energy" (FIRE).
Unfortunately for Hongah, fire didn't impress many women,
partly because they could no longer relax in the evening.
They were now expected to cook.
But Hongah was determined to impress women, so he spent his
days and nights on an even greater invention, one that would
have an impact on the female species until the very end of
time. He called it the handbag. Unfortunately for Hongah,
when he presented this new object, made of the finest
rabbit's fur, to an attractive cavewoman, she hit him over
the head with it, saying, "Cook it yourself." This was the
beginning of women's lib.
Fast forward to the 21st century and only the names have
changed. Oongah is Oliver, the muscle-bound man who pumps
iron at the local gym, attracting the attention of women by
grunting loudly like a caveman. He has a chest the size of a
washing machine, yet he's saving up for pectoral implants.
He wears tank tops, participates in various sports and
activities, and is eager to share details of his latest
injury, whether he sprained his ankle while skiing or
strained his frontal lobe while reading.
Dongah is Donald, the real estate magnate who is creating
his own empire, signing deals to buy hotels, casinos and sky
scrapers, marking his territory as publicly as possible,
simply by pulling out his pen. He surrounds himself with
beautiful women and tries to keep them happy by giving them
the best handbags in the world -- handbags full of credit
Hongah is Hitesh, the technology whiz from India who owns so
many gadgets his friends call him "Hi-tech." All his gadgets
are wireless and multi-functional, such as the cell phone he
uses to take digital pictures and the digital camera he uses
to make phone calls. Whenever he meets a woman, Hitesh
brings out his gadgets, introducing them with more pride
than most people introduce their children.
Each of these men has something to offer women: Oliver has
bulging muscles, Donald has sprawling property and Hitesh
has 100 gigabytes of disk space. But the women don't stick
around for long. Strange creatures, they seem to be
looking for something else.
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