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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

LYING OUR WAY THROUGH LIFE

When I heard that a small town in Iowa is considering a ban
on lying, my first thought was: it's about time. Lying is
getting out of hand -- and not just in Iowa. Almost everyone
lies these days.

Visit a hospital and you'll hear a lie: "The doctor will be
with you in a minute."

Visit a dentist and you'll hear a lie: "This won't hurt a
bit."

Visit a car dealership and you'll hear a lie: "We're barely
making money on this one."

People lie about their age, their weight, even their height.
Some men are barely 5-foot-10, but tell everyone they're
6-foot. And they don't consider it lying, just "rounding
 up." They'd better not travel to Iowa or they might get
rounded up.

Some women are extremely "inaccurate" about their weight.
But what do you expect? Before stepping on a scale, they
remove not just their shoes and coats, but also their
glasses.

I hate to admit it, but I've lied about my age, telling
people I'm in my late 30s, when the truth is, I'm actually
19. Wait a minute -- that's the age of my underwear. (They
used to be boxers, now they're briefs.)

In some professions, lying is almost a necessity. Some of
America's best lawyers are also America's best liars. They
appear on CNN and say almost anything -- whatever comes to
their minds. "My client is so innocent, we're not just going
to prove reasonable doubt. We're going to doubt reasonable
proof."

Lawyers may be good at lying, but they're mere amateurs
compared to politicians. Lying is to politics what stupidity
is to bull fighting. Just ask Bill Clinton.

Reporter: "Mr. Clinton, how much lying did you do in the
White House?"

Clinton: "I did not lie with that woman, Monica Lewinsky. I
was always upright with her."

Reporter: "No, Mr. Clinton, that's not what I meant. Did you
tell many lies while in office?"

Clinton: "Of course not. I made it a principle to speak the
truth while in office. I also made it a principle to speak
to the media outside the office."

People often feel forced to lie, especially when others ask
difficult questions. This happens to men a lot. Soon after
they wake up, their wives turn to them and ask, "Does this
dress make me look fat?"

Some men have told the truth -- "Not much fatter than you
usually look" -- but such men are now lying, about six feet
under. A smart man will first pretend he didn't hear the
question, then try to finesse the truth: "No, honey, you
look as slim as you did yesterday!"

Such creative lying has become an important survival skill.
Just like Kramer on "Seinfeld," many people have used it to
compliment the parents of unattractive babies. "Oh my!" they
say. "He's breathtaking. Definitely has his father's looks."

Others have used it in greeting cards to their
mothers-in-law: "Words cannot describe my feelings for you."

Creative lying also comes in handy when you're invited to
dinner: "I've never tasted anything quite like this. I'd ask
you for the recipe, but with my cooking skills, I just can't
imagine making this."

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