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Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

DON'T FORGET TO MAKE A LIST

Millions of Americans have signed up for the national
do-not-call list, hoping to keep telemarketers from calling
them at home during dinner and disturbing their "family
time," the short period during their busy day when they can
sit down in peace and watch a family on TV.

Telemarketers can be a pain, I've found, especially when
they're trying to sell me something I've never thought of
buying, such as a burial plot. "I really don't need one
right now," I tell them politely, "but if you keep calling
me, you might."

As you can see, I've learned to practice self-restraint.
It's important not to get angry at telemarketers. They are
just doing their jobs, taking advantage of their God-given
talent for annoying people.

They annoy me at least once a day, usually at the exact
moment my baby falls asleep. Sometimes I think that the only
reason I have a phone is to receive sales calls. I used to
answer the phone with a "hello," but if you call me these
days, the first thing I'll probably say is "NO!" This can be
quite effective, even on the rare occasions that my
mother-in-law calls. (Actually, I never say 'no' to my
mother-in-law. I say, "Sorry, wrong number.")

As you can imagine, I'm thrilled about the do-not-call list.
It will save me a lot of aggravation and might even lower my
blood pressure. And if I'm lucky, my bald spot will
disappear. (No, I'm not blaming telemarketers for ALL my
problems, just the ones I can't pin on President Bush.)

The do-not-call list demonstrates how useful lists can be.
My wife, of course, is well-aware of this. Almost every
weekend, she creates two lists: a shopping list for herself
and a things-to-do list for me. I try to write only one
list: places to hide.

To make our lives easier, the government needs to create
several more lists:

---Do-not-knock list. This list would allow us to opt out of
home visits from salespeople, Jehovah's Witnesses, and
anyone wearing masks and demanding candy. The only stranger
I want knocking on my door is Halle Berry. And that's only
because my wife is a big fan of hers.

---Do-not-spy list. This list would be for people who prefer
not to have their wires tapped by the government. It would
also keep Attorney General John Ashcroft from knowing how
you spend your money, which books you borrow from the
library, and what positions you take, not just on abortion
and gay rights, but also in bed.

---Do-not-read list. Here's something we definitely need: A
list of books that Oprah DOESN'T recommend. When it comes to
choosing a book, I have a simple philosophy: If Oprah
doesn't like it, why bother? That's why I haven't read any
of the Harry Potter books -- I'm still not sure what Oprah
thinks of them.

---Do-not-eat list: This list would help the thousands of
people who fall sick every year after eating something that
the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) hasn't approved as
food. The list would include many kinds of mushrooms,
certain types of wild berries, and all varieties of tennis
balls. (Yes, even the ones that come in a can.)

---Do-call list. A very useful list, it would consist of all
the telephone numbers scribbled around the country on
bathroom walls. And if I have my way, the list would also
include the home telephone numbers of all telemarketers.

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