LET'S DRINK TO OLESTRA...MAYBE

If you like to eat and drink, you have reason to celebrate.

The Food and Drug Administration recently approved olestra, a zero-calorie artificial fat that will be used in snacks.

And the federal government's new dietary guidelines acknowledge that drinking may actually be good for you.

Right about now, you're probably getting excited and yelling, "Bring on the beer and chips."

I don't blame you.

When I first heard about olestra, I had a similar reaction.

"Who's she?" I asked. "And why would anyone name their child Olestra?"

Then I read more about olestra and realized she isn't related to Oprah.

Olestra, developed by Proctor & Gamble, slides through your body without clogging your arteries. It feels and tastes just like usual fat, but doesn't make you fat.

Olestra has been tested for a couple of decades, but the real test came recently when it was Oprah-tested.

During her show, Oprah Winfrey tested potato chips fried in olestra. She liked them so much, the whole bag disappeared during the commercial break. And Oprah didn't look an ounce heavier.

Such Oprah-approved chips are quite different from previous kinds of fat-free chips. I tried those kinds and even suggested a slogan for them: "You can eat just one."

Olestra does have a downside, though.

First, a warning: The next paragraphs may be inappropriate for young children, the Pope and anyone eating chocolate pudding.

Olestra keeps the body from absorbing some nutrients and vitamins. It can also cause abdominal cramping, loose stools and a condition delicately referred to as "anal leakage."

If you're sitting on a stool when you eat olestra, you'll shake so much, the stool comes loose.

I don't own any stools, so I'm not too worried about that side affect. What bothers me is the leakage part.

I hate leaks.

Why would a company like Proctologist Gamble develop something that causes leaks?

The company plans to sell its fat-free fat to snack makers under the brand name Olean.

It's a clever name, but perhaps they should have called it Oleak.

Proctologist Gamble spent $250 million developing olestra and I'm beginning to understand why.

It's all a big conspiracy to sell more diapers.

Since the baby boomers aren't having many babies, Pampers sales are down.

So someone decided to get people addicted to olestra and then sell them diapers. What a plan.

Our waists would be smaller, but we'd still be wearing wide pants to fit the diapers.

You're probably wondering why the FDA approved olestra. The FDA said the gastrointestinal effects are simply unpleasant.

In other words, olestra won't kill you, it'll just make you wish you were dead.

The government's new dietary guidelines may cheer you up, though.

They noted that "alcoholic beverages have been used to enhance the enjoyment of meals by many societies." In other words, booze makes you forget a lousy meal.

Citing studies that found reduced rates of heart disease in moderate drinkers, the government's experts said people should drink only in moderation.

They defined moderation as no more than one drink a day for women and no more than two for men.

Talk about a double standard.

On behalf of all men, I hereby appoint women our designated drivers.

You drive, we'll drink.

Blame the government.