Melvin's blog

Nshima & Curry

Melvin's  Blog

Nshima & Curry

WATCH OUT OSAMA, YOU'RE NEXT!

My dear Osama,

It is I, Khalid, your faithful servant. As you can see from
this video, the Amreekans have captured me. It happened in
Rawalpindi and I have only my sinful desires to blame. I
should have listened to you, oh wise one. I should have
never left that cave. As you have said many times, plumbing
is overrated.

But it wasn't just that. I was also tired of eating crickets
and bats. Every meal, crickets and bats. After six months of
crickets and bats, I would have gladly eaten a cricket bat.
But I couldn't even find a cricket ball.

I did not discipline myself and I beg your forgiveness. I
have failed you and our brothers. I have made terrorism look
bad. I do not deserve the 70 virgins you promised me in
paradise, and, if it pleases you to punish me, I am willing
to manage with just 30. As you have said many times,
sacrifice is good for the soul.

The Amreekans have permitted me to send this video to the
media, hoping it will convince you to surrender. But the
infidels are not letting me call a lawyer. They are holding
me in a cell, but they are not giving me a cell phone. What
kind of Amreekan justice is this?

I expected the Amreekans to torture me for information --
cut my fingers, break my legs, or give me electric shocks.
But their torture is much worse. They are making me watch
Madonna's movies. The ones we burned in Kabul. After 10
minutes of a movie called "Swept Away," I fell to my knees
and prayed to be swept away. They stood outside my cell, the
Amreekans, laughing like hyenas, the cruel sons-of-riches.

It gets worse at night, oh wise one. They play Amreekan
music to keep me awake. For eight hours, that is all I hear,
this infernal music. It is special torture music, created by
an infidel named Britney Spears. After two minutes of
listening to Spears, I fell to my knees and prayed to have
spears put into me.

They are also torturing me with food. The main dish is liver
and onions. The side dishes are broccoli and spinach. For
dessert, they give me something called fruitcake. The
infidels. Why can't they just give me crickets and bats?

After my meals, they give me a dark liquid. At first, I
thought it was oil and rubbed it into my hair. But they
laughed and said, "You people are so strange. We Amreekans
never groom ourselves with prune juice. We prefer to drink
it." I was so thirsty, I decided to try it. After 10 seconds
of drinking this juice, I fell to my knees and threw up in
the toilet.

They also show me pictures of Amreekan models on the beach,
wearing nothing but sand. At first, I thought they wanted to
tempt me. But then I looked closer at the pictures and
realized what they were doing. They were threatening to
starve me, too.

I am telling you these things, Osama, not for you to feel
sorry for me, but to show you how cruel Amreekans can be. I
want you to understand why I cannot endure this torture, why
I have to tell the Amreekans everything, why you may soon
find yourself eating liver and onions.

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