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A RANDOM SAMPLE OF PROUD NEW YORKERS Reader's Digest has rated New York "the most polite major city in the entire world." People in other cities were quite shocked to hear this, but not as shocked as the folks in New York. "Polite? Us?" one man said. "Get the &%$# out of here!" RD conducted courtesy tests in 35 cities around the world, wherever the magazine is published. New Yorkers were found to be courteous 80% of the time, edging out Zurich and Toronto for the top spot, while residents of Mumbai (formerly Bombay) were courteous only 32% of the time, beating out Bucharest for the title of "City Most Likely to Have Extremely Rude Reader's Digest burnings." RD reporters conducted three types of tests in each city, checking whether people would hold doors open for them, pick up documents they'd dropped and, in the case of salesclerks, thank them for a purchase. Trying to be as scientific as possible, the reporters performed their New York tests at a random sample of Starbucks coffee shops. As the magazine explained, this was for the sake of "consistency" -- the reporters could be assured of "consistency" whenever they took a coffee break. To find out what New Yorkers thought of the RD findings, I decided to interview a random sample of guys standing on street corners. They had typical New York names -- Yo, Moe and Cho -- and were horrified to hear that the Big Apple was now considered a polite city. "Polite city?" Moe said. "Reader's Digest is trying to ruin our reputation. We ought to sue 'em." "Reader's Digest doesn't know $#%!" Yo said. "We ain't a pole light city. We got buildings and houses and other stuff too." "What's wrong with being considered polite?" I asked. "First they be tellin' everyone we're polite," Moe said, "then we get a whole lotta immigrants coming here -- no offense, Cho -- and before you know it, ain't nobody got a job." "No offense taken, &#$@ face," Cho said. "Polite is okay if you're in Iowa and Utah, but over here, we just don't have the time. We're always rushing somewhere: to work, to stores, to court." "Court?" I asked nervously. "Yeah," Cho said. "Basketball court. And we're definitely not polite there. No one says, 'Please pass the ball.' We say, 'Pass the $#@& ball, you @%$#!" "So you're never polite anywhere?" I asked. "Not even once?" "Some people think I'm polite, but I'm not," Moe said. "One tourist asked me if I've got the time. I don't even own a watch, so I just showed him the finger. And he said, 'One o' clock. Thank you very much!'" "That's nothing," Cho said. "One kid asked if anyone has change for a dollar. I said, 'Your mama!' And he said, 'I'll ask her. Thank you!'" "What about when someone drops a paper?" I asked. "Do you help them pick it up." "Depends," Moe said. "If it's five bucks or something, I'll pick it up. That's my lunch money right there." "No way, dude," Cho said. "People are always dropping things in New York and most of the time, they're just littering. I'm not picking up their trash." "What about you, Yo?" I asked. "Come on, man," Yo said. "Why would I wanna put my fingerprints on their papers? What if they're a cop or something?" "What about doors?" I asked. "Do you hold them open for others?" "Why should we?" Moe said. "What doors are they holding open for us? Doors to McDonald's? Doors to Taco Bell? What about the doors to opportunity? Ain't nobody holding those doors open for us!" "Look dude, we're just trying to keep it real," Cho said. "You can be polite to people without really caring about them. How many times do people say to my mom, 'We should have you over for dinner sometime,' but then they never call." "Yeah, what's up with that, Yo?" Yo asked. "Ain't it better to be rude? You tell Reader's Digest that!" "Man, I wish Reader's Digest didn't mess with us," Moe said, shaking his head. I decided to give them the silver lining: The Reader's Digest tests were rather unscientific. "New York could still be the rudest city in the world," I said. Their faces instantly brightened. "Yeah, baby!" they shouted, giving each other a round of high-fives. Then, unable to contain their pride, they broke into a chant: "New York! New York! New York!" |
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Click here to visit Melvin's funny blog! Use the form below to subscribe to his weekly humor columns. |
