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MOTHER TERESA: SHE'S A SAINT AND WE AIN'T

Mother Teresa is on her way to sainthood, having been
beatified by the Pope in a two-hour ceremony in Rome. It's
just a formality, of course, because Mother Teresa became a
saint many years ago, when she dedicated her life to serving
"the poorest of the poor," whether they be lepers, invalids,
or freelance writers.

She fed them and clothed them and bathed them, treating them
like a mother treats her own children, except for the part
where the mother shouts, "Shut up, kids. I'm trying to watch
'Law and Order.'"

Yes, she was something special, searching the streets for
people to help, sacrificing herself for their every need. So
extraordinary was she that comparing ourselves to her is
like comparing a grain of unprocessed rice to Condoleezza
Rice.

While Mother Teresa was beatified by the Pope, most of us
would rather be beautified by the Pope. "Goodbye wrinkles,"
we'd like him to say. "Goodbye fat deposits. Goodbye ugly
tattoos. Welcome back hair!"

While Mother Teresa has qualified for sainthood, many of us
are still trying to qualify for manhood (and womanhood).
We're so busy fighting and competing and striving to get
ahead, we have no time for humanity. "Perhaps someday
I'll help the poor," we say, "but first I need to help
myself. Is the buffet open yet?"

While Mother Teresa spent her days in a white sari with blue
stripes, many of us wear fancier outfits at night -- when
going to bed. Silk pajamas. Satin negligees. Designer
underwear. "Not tonight, honey!" we say to our mates. "This
nightgown feels so good, I'd like to stay in it."

While Mother Teresa rescued people from the gutters of
Calcutta, the only thing we've rescued from a gutter is a
bowling ball. Even so, we're rather familiar with gutters,
because we watch reality TV and as a result, our minds have
been in one.

While Mother Teresa had compassion for the dirt poor, we
find ourselves feeling sorry for the filthy rich. Those
celebrities with imperfect lives, how do they manage to
smile? Our hearts go out to Halle Berry (poor girl, can't
find a good husband), George Clooney (poor guy, can't find a
good wife) and Mike Tyson (poor guy, can't find a good
psychiatrist).

While Mother Teresa saw God in every human being, we tend to
see horns and a forked tongue. We're afraid to go near
homeless people, because ... well, they're dangerous and
might rob us. They don't have guns, it's true, but they have
something just as powerful: body odor. "Toss me all your
money," they might scream at us. "Don't make me come
closer!"

While Mother Teresa was eager to wash the back of a leper,
many of us are eager to wash the back of a Lexus. Especially
if it belongs to us. As for washing grubby strangers, we
might be willing to do that, but only if the fire station
lends us a hose.

And while Mother Teresa managed to touch millions of lives,
most of us just want to touch millions of dollars. If we
happen to get rich, will we share our wealth with the poor?
"Yeah, right," we say, rolling our eyes. "Who do you think
we are? Mother Teresa?"

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