The Humor of Melvin Durai

Humor columns, satire and other funny stuff

I don’t know about you, but I’m excited about the year 2020. There is something special about the number “2020.” It’s partly because perfect vision is 20/20, which many kids enjoy for several years, before trading it for a cellphone.

Hindsight is also 20/20, allowing us to look back on our lives, see all the bad choices we made, and wonder why we were so stupid. But when we made those choices, we thought we were being quite smart. We thought, for example, that we were smart to invest in a social media company called Moogle rather than buy stock in Google. But with 20/20 vision, we realize how stupid it was to believe Moogle’s vision of creating a social media platform for cows.

The year 2020 will hopefully allow us to have clearer vision. I’m going to try to make some important decisions this year, such as whether to have more kids. (At my age, this would be quite a challenge, especially since I have no experience operating a goat farm. Perhaps I should try chickens instead.)

If you haven’t yet made any resolutions for yourself in 2020, it’s not too late. I suggest black dogthat you make 20 resolutions in 20 areas of your life. While this may put a little pressure on you, just be glad you’re not a dog. If your resolutions fail, you have to wait just one year to do it again, but for a dog, that’s seven years.  The pressure to succeed is enormous, especially for high-achieving dogs. I know such a dog, whose 20 resolutions may inspire you to aim higher:

  1. I resolve to floss my teeth several times a day, whenever I get hold of the cat’s tail.
  2. I resolve to take a bath every time my owner turns on the TV news and I hear the words, “Pamela Anderson is getting a divorce.”
  3. I resolve to be pickier about what I eat. From now on, no leather shoes, unless the mailman’s feet are in them.
  4. I resolve to go on the Atkins Diet and stay on it until I’m absolutely tired of eating meat.
  5. I resolve to pay attention to expiry dates and not eat mice and other rodents more than a year after they expired.
  6. I resolve to be choosier about which balls I run after. From now on, no tennis balls or golf balls – only meatballs.
  7. I resolve to never run after sticks, unless they happen to be cheese sticks.
  8. I resolve to leave my mark on the world – or at least on the carpet.
  9. I resolve to aim high and shoot for the top. No fire hydrant is too tall.
  10. I resolve to stop barking up the wrong tree – and start sleeping under it.
  11. I resolve to practice more mindfulness and meditation, especially with my eyes closed.
  12. I resolve to fetch the newspaper for my owner more often, even if the darn delivery man keeps throwing it in the neighbor’s yard.
  13. I resolve to take my owner for long walks, pulling him in many directions, so he’s exhausted and realizes the benefit of driving me around in his car.
  14. I resolve to stick my head out of the car window, so everyone will know who’s in charge. And other dogs walking on the road will see me and realize how much they too can achieve.
  15. I resolve to devour at least one book a week. And tear through a magazine every day.
  16. I resolve to absorb as much wisdom as I can from the tall white machine in the kitchen. It knows the secret of getting humans to put lots of food in it.
  17. I resolve to figure out why, when I’m so warm and friendly, my owner still tolerates the cat.
  18. I resolve to save myself for that special dog and not get tempted by my owner’s leg.
  19. I resolve to do unto others as I would have them do unto me, as long as “others” does not include fire hydrants.
  20. I resolve to sign a peace agreement with the vacuum cleaner. If it doesn’t roar at me, I won’t bark at it.

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