The Humor of Melvin Durai

Humor columns, satire and other funny stuff

Just a week ago, most of us did not know how to spell “coronavirus.” But we’ve now seen the word hundreds of times, mostly in headlines such as “Coronavirus Infects Thousands in Europe,” “Coronavirus Prompts Governors to Close Schools,” and “Coronavirus Expert Reassures Americans: It’s Safe to Keep Drinking Corona Beer.”

It’s very important to follow safety tips, not just to protect yourself, but to keep coronavirus from spreading to others.

Here are some tips you may to want to consider following:

  1. Avoid contact with other human beings. If someone is not part of your immediate family, avoid touching them in any way. This includes hugging, kissing, shaking hands, rubbing shoulders, and bumping fists or other body parts.

If you must share a motel room with a non-family member, always maintain a distance of one meter. If you need to express affection in any way, please do it with a meter stick. Feel free to draw hearts on it.

The World Health Organization (WHO) also recommends that you maintain a distance of one meter between you and anyone who is sneezing or coughing. Step back if you need to. The other person may get offended, but remember: WHO cares.

  1. Frequent handwashing is highly recommended, but you may want to avoid body-washing. This can be quite effective, especially in a week or two, when other people will voluntarily keep their distance from you. Remember: social distancing is an important aspect of combating coronavirus.
  2. Do not touch your face. If your nose feels itchy, get a family member to scratch it. Do not do it yourself. Make sure family members have meter sticks for scratching. If they use their hands, put them immediately on 14-day quarantine.
  3. Practice good hygiene habits. Sharing is caring, as they say, but when you cough or sneeze, please do not share droplets with people around you. This type of sharing is uncaring and may lead to swearing. Cover your mouth and nose with your bent elbow or a tissue. Dispose of the tissue immediately. Do not share it.
  4. Pay attention to the symptoms of coronavirus: fever, coughing and shortness of breath. If you have all three symptoms, consult a doctor. If you have just fever or coughing, take some medicine. If you have just shortness of breath, take the elevator. Avoid the stairs.
  5. Try to minimize travel. This includes trips to the grocery store. Use Amazon and other services to order your food, and leave your front door open, so the delivery person can bring your food directly to your couch. Pay for everything in advance with a credit card, so you can minimize contact with delivery people. If you must give them a tip in person, tell them not to touch the door handle on their way out.
  6. Stock up on toilet paper. Why should you do this? Because in a few weeks, your investment in toilet paper will be worth more than your investment in stocks. Trust me, buy as much toilet paper as you can. Fill your entire garage with toilet paper. If you live in a country where you don’t normally use toilet paper, stock up on it anyway, so you can sell it at high prices to tourists.
  7. Depending on the type of work you do, you may want to take special precautions. If you’re a baggage handler, use hand sanitizer frequently to protect yourself against coronavirus. If you work in human resources, be cautious about meeting anyone who is eager to share their “CV” with you.
  8. Shop carefully to protect yourself. Coronavirus originated in China, so avoid buying items that carry a “Made in China” label. Coronavirus has also spread to Europe, so avoid items made in Europe, too. The virus has also entered North America, so avoid items that are made in North America as well. For now, just to be absolutely safe, please buy only items that carry the label “Made in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.”
  9. If you’ve been instructed to work from home using a personal computer, please wash your hands after using your keyboard, even if you have anti-virus software. Popular brands of anti-virus software have not yet been updated for coronavirus. Even if they had, the risks are just too great, considering how easy it is for things to go viral on the Internet.

The government will not give you tips like these, because smart people work for the government.

Well, it depends on which government we’re talking about.

2 thoughts on “Coronavirus Tips You Won’t Get From The Government

  1. Gail says:

    Love 5 + 9!

    Like

  2. Alice says:

    No. 3 is funny and No. 10 is witty. Good job, Melvin. Love the humor!

    Like

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