The Humor of Melvin Durai

Humor columns, satire and other funny stuff

The polls look good for Joe Biden, the Democratic nominee for president in America, putting him as many as 9 percentage points ahead of President Donald Trump nationally. But the polls also looked good for Hillary Clinton in 2016, yet Trump managed to eke out a victory.

Because America is a democratic country and boasts one of the finest forms of democracy in the world, the candidate who received the most votes was declared the loser.

After receiving almost three million fewer votes than Clinton, Trump got to celebrate at a huge victory party. At his inauguration, quite aptly, there were three million fewer supporters than he expected.

In the upcoming presidential election, Trump is almost guaranteed to receive fewer votes than Biden. But the big question on everyone’s mind is this: Will Trump be celebrating victory again or calling it a rigged election?

Nobody really knows for sure, except M.K. Damodaran, a 68-year-old numerologist from the South Indian state of Kerala. He has analyzed all the significant numbers, such as the date Trump was born and the date of the election, and determined that Trump will be re-elected as Tweeter-in-chief.

As Damodaran told IANS, “November 3, 2020 is the day of the U.S. presidential election, which is strongly lucky for incumbent President Trump. His date of birth is June 14, 1946. As such, his birth number is 5 (1 + 4). Besides, he was born in the sun sign Gemini that is ruled by planet Mercury. Number 5 is represented by planet Mercury.”

What about Biden’s numbers? Damodaran has also analyzed them, determining that the former vice-president’s chances of winning the top office are similar to a random American woman’s chances of going untouched during an elevator ride with Trump.

Someone needs to inform Biden of this, because the poor man is spending millions of dollars on a presidential campaign that is destined to fail. It would be wise for him to concede early and save everyone a lot of trouble. Let’s move Trump’s inauguration to Nov. 3, so he doesn’t have to worry about re-election and can finally tell everyone the truth about COVID-19: “It was a big mistake not to take it seriously from the outset, tens of thousands of lives could have been saved, and I take full responsibility for allowing Joe Biden to mess up like this.” 

Perhaps you’re skeptical about a numerologist’s ability to predict the outcome of an election. If so, I’d like to know whom we should rely upon instead. Achilles the Psychic Cat?

Achilles is a deaf Russian cat who correctly predicted the winners of several soccer matches at the 2018 World Cup. All we’d have to do is put two bowls of tuna in front of the cat, one bearing a Biden flag, and the other a MAGAA (Make America Great Again, Again) flag.

If he picks the Biden bowl, the CNN headline can say: “Psychic Cat Picks Biden to Win Election!” If he picks the MAGAA bowl, it can say: “Another Russian Meddles with U.S. Election!”

But Achilles, unfortunately, is not perfect. He incorrectly predicted that Nigeria would upset Argentina at the World Cup, causing a burst of premature dancing in the African country.

It would make more sense, perhaps, to rely on public polls. The problem with polls is that people don’t always do what they say they will. A voter named John Languid may tell the pollster that he likes Biden and strongly believes in exercising his right to vote. But on Election Day, Languid may decide that he needs to consult a doctor before exercising.

Another voter, Rohit Sharma, may tell a pollster that he’s unlikely to vote. But on Election Day, he may decide that voting is an important duty for every citizen, and it’s incumbent on him to take it seriously, especially since his wife has put a sign on the couch that says, “Non-voters sleep here.”

Pollsters can usually predict which presidential candidate will win more votes nationally, but figuring out who will win the Electoral College is much harder. The Electoral College is a state-by-state, winner-takes-all system that was created by the Founding Fathers of America to ensure that a rural state such as Wyoming would have a significant say in the country’s leadership, despite having a population slightly lower than the average Chipotle Mexican Grill.

Here’s how the Electoral College works. Imagine that three families have come together to watch a Netflix movie on an 85-inch TV. They’re choosing between two critically acclaimed films: the American movie “Moonlight” and the Indian movie “Sairat.” The hosting Joshi family has nine members, including grandparents, and all nine choose “Sairat”; the Davis family has five members and three choose “Moonlight” while two choose “Sairat”; and the Harper family has four members and two choose “Moonlight,” one chooses “Sairat” and one votes for a third movie that has no chance of winning.

Jim Davis gleefully announces the result: “The Davis and Harper families have both chosen ‘Moonlight.’ Sorry, Joshis, you’ve been outvoted. But thank you for your big screen.”

Meera Joshi objects: “But 12 people voted for ‘Sairat’ and only five for ‘Moonlight.'”

“I know,” Jim responds: “Isn’t democracy great?”

One thought on “The Perplexing Task of Predicting the 2020 U.S. Election

  1. dolphinwrite says:

    I never know the future. I vote according to what I see is best, then others need to vote.

    Like

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