The Humor of Melvin Durai

Humor columns, satire and other funny stuff

Students at Case Western Elementary School were excited on Tuesday to attend the first debate between Donny Crump, incumbent president of the student council, and challenger Joey Widen. Social studies teacher Chris Willis agreed to serve as the moderator.

Mr. Willis: “Welcome to the student council presidential debate between fifth grader Donny and sixth grader Joey. I have divided this debate into three important topics: student budget, bullying and the lunch menu. Let’s begin with the budget. Donny, what are your ideas for increasing the budget, so that the student council has more money for activities.”

Donny: “Thank you, Mr. Willis. Let me begin by saying that the student budget during my presidency has been the greatest budget in the history of our school, greater than the budget in any other school in any other country around the world. But I have a plan to make it even greater. This year, every student will be asked to pay an activity fee of $10, and the student president, re-elected unanimously, will contribute an additional 75 cents from my personal allowance.”

Mr. Willis: “Your turn, Joey. What are your ideas?”

Donny: “He has no ideas. ZERO ideas. His dad does not even give him an allowance!”

Mr. Willis: “Donny! It’s Joey’s turn to speak! Please give him a chance to speak.”

Donny: “His brother got a ‘D’ in social studies. Isn’t that true, Mr. Willis? And I heard that his uncle has a drinking problem.”

Mr. Willis: “Donny, Donny, Donny … don’t make me call your parents. You have to give Joey a chance to speak.”

Donny: “Okay, let him speak. He has nothing smart to say.”

Mr. Willis: “Go ahead, Joey. Speak.”

Joey: “Is it my turn?”

Mr. Willis: “Yes, Joey, it’s your turn. Go ahead and speak.”

Joey: “Is the microphone on?”

Mr. Willis: “Yes, the mic is on, Joey. Go ahead and speak.”

Joey: “Well, I believe we should do some fundraising, perhaps sell some candy, to increase our budget. We shouldn’t ask every student to pay $10. Not all of them can afford it.”

Donny: “It’s only $10! Who can’t afford $10? I spend $10 on cheese curls every day. My dad gives me an allowance. Why would anybody vote for a boy who can’t even get his dad to give him an allowance?”

Mr. Willis: “That’s enough, Donny. Let’s go to our next topic: bullying. As you know, bullying is a major problem in our school. What are your ideas for dealing with it? Joey, you first.”

Joey: “We need to increase awareness, make people realize that bullying … “

Donny: “There is no bullying in this school. Nobody gets bullied. I mean, there was some bullying at one time, but that was before I became president. These days, nobody gets bullied. Except wimps like Joey, of course. And they deserve to be bullied.”

Joey: “Are you saying that you support bullying?”

Donny: “No, I never said that. Don’t put words in my mouth, Joey, or you’ll have to deal with me after school.”

Mr. Willis: “That’s enough, Donny. Let’s move on to our last topic: the lunch menu. Some students would like to see the menu expanded to include burritos and butter chicken. As you know, 20 percent of our student population is Mexican-American and 10 percent is Indian-American. How do you feel about a more diverse lunch menu, Donny?”

Donny: “What’s wrong with the food we are eating right now? I don’t have anything against burrito chicken, but what’s wrong with what we have right now? We have had the same menu for five years and nobody has ever become sick.”

Joey: “Are you suggesting that you can get sick from Mexican and Indian food?”

Donny: “No, I’m saying that you can’t get sick from hamburgers. Have you ever heard of anybody getting sick from eating a burger?”

Joey: “Well, scientists at the Centers for Disease Control say that …”

Donny: “Scientists? What a nerd! He’s actually going to tell us about scientists.”

Joey: “You don’t believe in science!”

Donny: “Of course, I believe in science. Just ask Mrs. Conner. I have an ‘A+’ in science.”

Joey: “That’s a lie. How can he have an ‘A+’ when Mrs. Conner hasn’t given a test yet this semester? But why don’t you tell everyone your grade in science last year, Donny?”

Donny: “It’s none of your business! Why don’t you tell everybody why you didn’t win the spelling bee last year? Why did you lose to a foreigner?”

Joey: “Jignesh is not a foreigner. He was born in this country.”

Donny: “Jignesh sounds like a foreign name to me!”

Joey: “Shut up, Donny. Jignesh is a friend of mine.”

Donny: “Is Jignesh even allowed to vote in this election?”

Mr. Willis: “That’s enough, Donny. We’re out of time. Let me conclude with a message to all students: Please make sure you turn in your vote on time. Let’s make every vote count.”

Donny: “Not Jignesh. Don’t vote, Jignesh!”

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