The Humor of Melvin Durai

Humor columns, satire and other funny stuff

My fellow Americans,

This was the unfairest election in the history of the world. It was even unfairer than 2016, when I easily won the popular vote, but millions of illegal voters in California stole it from me and gave it to Crooked Hillary.

If you count the LEGAL votes in this election, I easily win. I was ahead by more than half-a-million votes in Pennsylvania, and then they started counting all the ballots that Hunter Biden had brought from Ukraine. Rudy Giuliani has found emails to prove this. In one of these very incriminating emails, Hunter said to a friend, “We have the votes to win Pennsylvania!”

But this election has been stolen in so many other ways. Rudy looked at voter names in three battleground states, Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania, and found that Joe Biden received five votes from a voter named Michael Jackson in Wisconsin, four votes from Michael Jackson in Michigan, and six votes from Michael Jackson in Pennsylvania. That’s 15 votes for Biden from a man who died in 2009. As Rudy said to me, Michael Jackson’s music lives on and so do his votes.

But it’s not just dead people who voted for Biden. Rudy also found a man in Philadelphia who bragged on Twitter that his family returned 12 mail-in ballots for Joe Biden, including ballots for two grandparents, two parents, five children, two dogs and one parrot. Here’s the worst part: the parrot wasn’t even born in America.

I am also very upset about all the pollsters who were guilty, so guilty, of voter suppression. They had a poll from Quinnipiac University that said that Biden would win Florida by 5 points, but I won Florida easily. Until these polls started coming out, no one had ever heard of Quinnipiac University. The media just made it up to convince my voters that I was definitely going to lose and they shouldn’t bother voting. I live in Florida, so I called some of my neighbors and asked them, “Has anyone ever polled you?” They said, “No, we have never been polled. And we have never heard of Quinnipiac University either.”

The Democrats were eager to use mail-in ballots, and now we know why. The liberal media kept bringing up mail-in ballots, mentioning “mail-in” so many times on TV. This was designed to confuse my female supporters. I tried to tell them, it’s mail-in, not male-in. But this is how the media suppressed my female vote. They didn’t know if they could participate.

Many of my supporters stood in line for hours to vote, while Biden told his people to take the easy way out and use mail-in ballots. Well, Election Day was a hot day in many parts of the country and Rudy Giuliani has email evidence to show that Democrats were controlling windmills near polling places, turning them into fans to ensure that clouds did not provide any shade for my voters. Some of them were so hot, they gave up and went home. I also heard that at one location in Atlanta, volunteers were handing out refreshments to voters in line, but anyone wearing a MAGA hat was given only a coupon that said “$50 off your first counseling session.”

Then there’s the unfair method of counting of votes. We were winning in all the key locations by a lot, and then our numbers started miraculously going down. None of our observers were allowed to watch, so we don’t know how ballots that were filled out for Donald Trump were somehow being added to Joe Biden’s totals. But Rudy has video evidence of a man who looks suspiciously like Hunter Biden visiting Wal-Mart to stock up on Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.

All I want is an honest election, honest voting and an honest count. But how can it be honest if I didn’t win? It has to be rigged, because I never lose. I am not a loser.

I have filed many lawsuits and will take this to the Supreme Court if I need to. I will let Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett decide who won the election: Joe Biden or the man who wisely appointed them.

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